Unconventional Friendship

Holding on to hope -

I had been secretly in love with my best friend for nearly three years before my feelings where discovered. I remember the very moment that I realized that what I was feeling for my friend was love. It happened about a year after we had met in the summer of 1978 when we where both 18-years old.

This all began more then 20 years ago and now more then 10 years has passed since I have seen his face. What a special time it was to grow up and become a teenager at the transition of two very different decades. We shared a friendship that always had the essence of an unspoken relationship. I knew that it would not be in my best interest to label it for what it was and just enjoy it for what it meant to me. 

From the start we quickly became close and started to divide our time between socializing with our other friends as a group and the time for just us. I get that old familiar feeling in my heart when I reflect on how truly innocent and adorable it was. Some memories of Bobby can still cause that sudden and uncontrollable rush of air into my lungs by the very thought of him. 

Saturday had become an unspoken time for just us. We would always go to the movie theater and spend an entire day paying for one ticket but seeing three movies. It was there that I enjoyed my private time with Bobby. I remember the anticipation I felt just waiting for the lights to dim so I could sit there in the darkness so close to someone who made me feel more important that anyone else in the world. I would become intoxicated by his scent, the fragrance of bath soap drifting from his body. 

Whenever either of us wanted to comment about a particular scene in the movie, we would do so by leaning over and whispering directly into each others ears. Even with all of these feelings, I still had not fully understood what it was. I had never considered the possibility that one boy could love another. I just knew that he was the best friend I had ever had and I was lucky to have him.

As time went by my feelings where coming closer to the surface. I was now secretly fantasizing about things that would be considered completely natural today, even between boys. If you where 18-years old in 1979 and had to fight the urge to reach out and hold your best friends hand in a dark movie theater, you’d have to deal with it all by yourself. By now my hormones and puberty where in full swing. These innocent movie outings had become sexual awakenings for me. I recall seeing a movie where two people where kissing and I became lost in this lustful day dream about me and Bobby kissing like the couple in the movie. Bobby leaned in to whisper a comment in my ear and for the first time his lips softly made contact with my earlobe. It took only seconds for an electrical pulse to be sent from my brain to my balls and then back to my brain authorizing the immediate release of semen. 

The orgasm caused me to flinch in a way that would require an explanation. I saw him draw back from the corner of my eye. "What the heck was that all about?"

I told Bobby that he had shocked me. He said that he didn’t feel any shock and I quickly replied that it was because he had shocked me. "Oh! Right!" he replied and seemed to be satisfied and I though the issue was dead. But at that age a guy knows the difference between a shock and the unmistakable look of an orgasm. I could see Bobby watching me as I composed myself and placed my coat in my lap. I was burning red with shame and embarrassment. I knew that I had not fooled Bobby and that he already knew what had just happened. 

I knew that a smart ass remark was coming and I was just waiting for him to get it over with. Bobby had a way of mixing humor and understanding to let you know that he knew something without exactly saying it. Once I composed myself and placed my coat over my lap, Bobby came in for the kill.

"Man! I can’t believe you got that turned on by seeing two people kiss. All I got was a boner without the mess" I was instantly relieved that he assumed the kissing scene was the cause of the accident and not the physical contact between us.

We made a stop by the restroom so I could do a better job of cleaning up before my mom arrived to pick up. Bobby stayed for dinner and I savored every second of his company while we where secluded alone in the safety of by bedroom. But just like all of the Saturdays before, I heard those words that I dreaded. "Well I guess I had better be getting home"

And just like that he was gone. 

I sat there in bed still wearing my semen stained 501’s. The though of Bobby and I engaged in a kiss returned to my mind. I wonder what he would say if I reached out and took his hand into mine next Saturday or what he would think about the real cause of my orgasm.

I showered and got ready to climb into bed and turn out the light. I caught a glimpse of Bobby’s jacket sitting on my desk chair. I walked over and carried it back to my bed and started to rummage through the pockets. I found $2.38 and the ticket stub to the movie and those thoughts returned to my mind. I put the money and ticket back in the pockets and caught a scent that was familiar coming from Bobby’s coat. It was him, his scent that I knew so well. I held his jacket to my nose and breathed in. I held the material of his jacket to my cheek and the tears came as suddenly as the semen had arrived earlier that day. I was now out of the clouds and into the clear blue sky.

"I love you Bobby" was said softly as I held his jacket. It did not require any thought or rationalization. It was spoken as a matter of fact. I knew right then that I was madly in love with my friend. What hurt the most was that these words could never be spoken to the person for whom they where intended. 

The next Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. I needed to be close to the guy that I was in love with. I needed to feel him there right next to me, teasing me with ambiguous comments that could easily be taken out of context. I became bolder as time went by and started to take chances and maximize opportunities. I would move my leg until it made contact with his during our movie outings and he didn’t move it away. 

Finally after nearly two years of friendship and borderline dating, Bobby begin to respond to my subtle advances. As he always did, he could send a message with saying it. This was a guy who would never change his clothes in front of others or piss in a public urinal. 

Now suddenly he had made a hobby out of getting naked. It was quite a shock even for me. He must have seen me naked a thousand times between the ages of 18 and this far into age 20. I had never seen him naked once, not even in his underwear.

Then one day in his bedroom I was sitting at his desk getting a jump on some homework and not paying particular attention to what he was doing. A minute had passed before I realized that I had heard the distinctive sound of a belt buckle and a zipper. I turned to find the love of my life standing no more then 6 feet away butt ass naked.

My jaw dropped by the shear beauty and perfection of everything. I had always assumed that he has a small penis that he was embarrassed about but it was pretty average. My god he was beautiful. He could see that I was shocked by his sudden lack of modesty.

"What! please don’t make fun of my dick"

"Why would I do that? You do realize that you’re naked and that you don’t like people seeing you naked? Remember?"

"Oh! I got over that and besides you don’t count"

"Gee thanks!"

"No! I mean you don’t matter"

"Oh! That was better"

"No! I mean it doesn’t matter to me if you see me naked anymore"

I let it go at that point but could not take my eyes off of his dick. It was perfect and better looking them mine was. Finally he suggested that I take a picture and I realized that he had been watching me check out his dick the entire time.

"Sorry, it’s just not what I imagined that it would look like and your pubes are darker then I thought that they would be"

"Oh really! And exactly how long have you had images of my penis running around in the mind of yours?"

I could feel my face turning red and that itchy burning feeling on my back. I stumbled for a reasonable reply to his question. I had nothing to offer but the truth and that was not an option. I uttered a few "Um’s" before Bobby set me free with his skillful use of humor and understanding.

"Don’t worry about it. Its cool! I suppose that I could pick your dick out of a photo line up if I had to"

I understood that he had basically just admitted to checking out my dick too. I just wished that he could have said it like that and not the way that he did. Either way, the message was received loud and clear.

When things would heat up between us, Bobby would always bring up his interest in girls to keep from going too far. There where times when we would lay on the floor in my room listening to records and Bobby would rest a hand on my chest or use my stomach for a pillow. I could get lost in some of the best daydream when ever the gap between us was closed by physical contact.