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: Lesbian_Stories : The Watchtower - total 23 reviews. 
Reviews 23 :
- read story, Author : New Writer. PS: Reviews num is regularly updated.
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The Watchtower reviews
Posted by Liz
It's good, as we know. just slightly confusing, but it somewhat reminds me of "The Poisonwood Bible" in style. however, when i found time, i loved it. go write a lesbian novel, publish it, and sign us some autographed copies, OK???
Peace out and rock on.
Liz
Posted by ac
well it's taken me three hours, five beers, a cup of of coffee and 19 of those quit smoking losenges to get through this story, but i finally made it! i've never been a great reader, but i spose that comes from when you had to teach yourself. i totally enjoyed this story mate. i thought it was totally awesome, a great read. i enjoyed the style of it also, from the different point of view, but it can be a little confusing sometimes, especially if you are drunk, namely, me. you need to establish your characters, in some parts i think you may have mixed up names, so if i were you, i'd read back over and just make sure you're saying who you mean. that is seriously the only thing i can say negativly, it's all thumbs up from here. catch ya later
-ac-
p.s. does anybody have any tips on giving up smoking? i can't seem to shake the habbit. i need another lozenge.
p.p.s. and by the way, i STILL sing stayin' alive in the shower.
Posted by Jackie
i didn't find this story one bit confusing, (except for the very small glitch of a wrong name). If anything at all, i find this to be your best story. Excellent.
Posted by jackie
By the way, "high art" is an awesome movie.
Posted by moe
wow what can i say i am a big fan of u work and this story by far is the best thing i have ever read cant think of any thing i would rather read more. you should definatly write a novel. if only i could meet you i think it would be soo awsome to talk please dont stop writing PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE lol well yeah i really hope you read this and i cant think of anything more i want to say but that i am by far your bigger fan ps moe is not my real name its just what i get called by my friends its short for flameing homo
Posted by erin
another great read. it took me a long time though. when i started it, i was getting ready to leave for my vacation and my girlfriend was waiting for me to get to her house, so i only read half. but now, a week later, i finally finished it. good job once again.
Posted by Jessica
this was awesome... i felt like i was reading a soap opera or something. i loved it. took me a couple hours to read, but it was worth it. best fuckin story i read yet. much love to the author!! -Jessica-
Posted by StArBuRsT
tHis IS some tite shiz, U do sOME gOod woRk, aND coNtiNue wRItINg, CUz I cAN'T liVE wiThouT gOod sTories, :-D
Posted by Blessing
This story was amazing. I s & D sex was pretty great. but the chracter development was truly awesome. Very impressing
Posted by sum1
suup new riter..yea..i'd agree wif de rest of em review'z aye..truly awsome story...even tho it took a while...hope u hav a gud breather...coz i guess every1'z lookin 4ward 2 de nxt 1...neway'z..l8rz
Posted by Alt+1
do u really need to mix sex and socialogy?? may be some ppl like it. I am sure u can write a nice story as it is.
Posted by Bob
"Wow!"
Posted by Danny
This is superb, write more :D
Really liked it, everything worked.
Posted by PolishLass
well not much to say since you've already been praised thoroughly. one comment.
dialogs: cori+shawn= substantial amounts of laughter.
in other words pretty-fuckin-hularious. thanks for a fun read. keep em' coming.
Posted by cha cha cha
i got some good laughs out of this story and the time taken to read it was well worth it, your story was overall a really fantastic story and i actually read it twice. love your stories, i'd love to read more, keep up the good work.
Posted by .
A good story! Huzzah! I knew there had to be at least one... That said, there are some things you could work on. Stuff I spotted (I'm just going through your start):
the line - I just don’t even know *what* I want. supposedly thought by Shawn is highly inconsistent with her character. She knows EXACTLY what she wants, you just spent the first few paragraphs defining what it is she wants. At least as far as Shawn knows she already has what she wants.
Just a slight warning, the "-". Don't use or depend on it too much. It is ment for connecting words, not sentence fragments. Despite the fact you'll see that in loads of books, stories etc. it's not ment to be used that way. Brackets, semi-colon etc. can replace it, with the added benefit of being correct grammer. It's like using And or But to start a sentence... if you are going to break a grammer rule, it should be for a Good Reason. Like the added emphasis from starting with And or But. This may seem picky, but you use a lot of grammer breaking in your work, it can end up as too much of a crutch.
They are an odd couple, you might think. I watch as Pat intertwines her soft hands with Jesse’s calloused palms... watch your style. Jumping from thoughts to max. overdrive description is jarring. Try to work into your descriptions, start more basic before using words like: intertwines, calloused.
one of the sexiest women I know, the dimly lit bar, tall and athletic - what, did you decide to get all the clichees out of your system in one paragraph?
"Shawn?” I hear a voice. Um.. really? You are listening to your cell phone 'cause it rang and you heard a voice, no kiddin'. Don't tell us what we already know. Should read - "Shawn?".
"Cor-REE!” I bark, pretending to be angry. No dogs. The tendency to try to find other ways of saying "I say, I said", needs to be contained. I shout or I say will do fine here.
This is Cori. The what now? Please inform me in one sentence what this line is ment to mean. I have this funny feeling that you just used it to break up the two lines where you've got: I'm not angry, I'm never angry. If so, good instincts on flow, bad choice of sentence fragment.
She’s just moved... She comes from... She never learned... She needs to find a new way to start a sentence.
Are you mad, Shawn?” I hear her say in a small voice. Unintentional aliteration = bad. hear her
“Forget about it and go to sleep, Cor,” I smile into the phone. You really can't say that, or rather you can, but you really shouldn't. Just 'I smile' not 'I smile into the phone'. Otherwise it sounds like 'I smile' is replacing I said, which sounds very odd. Say it outloud, and you'll catch it. Actually try reading lots of your work outloud, if you don't already, helps plenty with bits you miss just reading.
Should I make an exception for this incredibly hot woman? I think. 'I think' is out of place, could say 'I think it over' etc. Not that I would. Just cut it.
And then a whole section that's pretty good. beating wildly she complains same things as before. Other bits and pieces, but not much.
A few last things. You do a damn lot of explaining and 'telling' in this story. Okay, that's fine. However, having things happen and letting readers draw their own conclusions is Better. This is one of the few rules of writing. If you know it, great, then do it. If you don't, it is SHOW DON'T TELL. Rather than writing: this character is angry or equivalent. Have them make sharp, abrupt movements, speak especially loudly or softly, describe tension in their features. Vase thrown across the room always gets the point across, and doesn't make you're reader feel like you are leading them around. This is especially hard in a story where you use so much thinking text. Just generally try not to have characters think subtext and you should be okay. Or use it more sparingly.
Um.. lastly. No disclaimers EVER in intro. This goes for a lot of your stories. Warning your readers is really cute, but bad and unprofessional as well. Don't tell someone, oh this story isn't worth reading for such and such reason. Well then, maybe they just won't read it, and that isn't really the point is it?
So, hope you keep writing, you obviously have talent for it. Also hope that a couple of the comments helped. Sorry 'bout the spelling errors, never was much good at that. seeya.
Posted by Luinmir
A completely wonderful read. The range of emotion in this piece... ... ...I don’t know. You really know how to make your characters come alive. In nine short pages, they’ve all become my best friends. You have amazing talent.
I can’t wait to read this one to my girlfriend!
Posted by disclosed
Personally I read this story and I drift away not aware of the time. DOn't let critics get you down. I think people drown themselves in the punctuation and errors made, that they forget to read behind what your saying. YOu are definately my favorite writer.
~Suggestion maybe you should publish a book well think about it~
Posted by Incognito
It was a good story. Most authors just write about hardcore screwing. I guess that's okay sometime, but I look your kind of stories better. Keep 'em coming. Good luck.
Posted by faith craig
i loved this story!!!!! please let me know when you write more.
a true girlly girl
faith
Posted by Nate Bowles
Hey,
I know this story was written a couple years ago, but I just have to say..wow. It's so much more than simply a sex story; it's a human story. Your characters are fully fleshed out, each with their own distinct personaloties, etc. Keep up the good work :D
Nate
Posted by les
awesome story. god you should write a book. :)
ur gonna have to keep writing, you know... it might be bad for some ppl's health if you stop.. :D
Posted by Shawn
This was a really great story, I have kept up with all of your works here and think you have an amazing talent. Character development is absolutely wonderful in all your stories, please keep this up. I also agree about writing a book, there are some "women's erotica" books being sold now in mainstream booksellers like barnes&noble, waldenbooks, etc. that you might look into, kind of a collaboration of different authors. Just an idea. :)
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