Guess What? Part 1

I don’t get her. Why does she repeatedly put herself in danger like that? Doesn’t she know that millions of teenagers die that way? 

I’m lying in my bed, gazing at the ceiling, and wondering what I am going to do. See, the thing is, when Stacey was grinding into me at the party, for a second, I didn’t want to stop her. Why? I don’t know. Maybe a temporary lapse in judgment. 

I walked down to the kitchen for a glass of water, and Stacey was there. She looked like she was looking out the window, but at what I don’t know. I don’t get her. She should be sleeping. She had a big day.

“Hey Stacey.” For some reason I kept my voice low. Guess the dark was creeping me out or something. “You okay?” I reached over and started rubbing her back with one of my hands.

“Yeah. I was just thinking about today and everything.”

Oh? Odd time of night, but I’ll take what I can. “About?”

“You.”

Okay. Not the answer I was thinking of. “Okay.” What am I supposed to say to that anyway?

“How come you don’t care what everyone thinks about you?”

I sit down. It’s self-esteem time. “I do. Just, I don’t let it control everything I do.”

“But, what if they laugh at you?” Stacey asked.

“Well. My mom taught me this song when I was little. Do you want to hear it?” This was kind of weird. I never sing in front of people. “It is a church song.”

“Go ahead.”

I turn my chair so I more face Stacey, and start.

“Heavenly Father, are you really there
And do you hear and answer every child’s prayer
Some say that heaven is far away
But I feel it close around me as I pray.
Heavenly Father, I remember now
Something that Jesus told disciples long ago
Suffer the children to come to me
Father in prayer I’m coming now to thee.”

“Don’t you get it?” I asked her.

“Sort of.”

“If you need anything, just ask God. If you feel like no one cares about you, or you aren’t good enough, just pray to God, and he will tell you the truth. That you are the most beautiful person most anyone will ever see, and that I am the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like you.”

Stacey was crying again. “Thank you Ryn. Thank you.”

It had been a couple weeks since that night, and even though we got our new spring semesters, we had already gotten used to the schedule.

I was playing lacrosse after school with some friends of mine.

Ring….ring….ring….

“Hello?” I said into my cell.

“Hey, it’s Stacey. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight?” 

I should mention that ever since the night at my house, Stacey was different. She hadn’t gone to any parties since, and she had stopped dating. I wasn’t quite sure why, but I was happy that she was doing well.

“Yeah sure. What were you thinking of?”

“Maybe some pizza, and then we could go watch Roman Holiday at the theater?” Stacey’s favorite actress was Audrey Hepburn, so I could understand the selection.

“Sounds great! How about 7:00? Pick me up?” I asked

“Cool. See you in a couple.”

“Later.” I hung up and decided to call it a day at the field. Anyway, I could practice against the wall in the morning anyway.

I packed up my bag, and by the time I got to my house, my body had cooled down. I went to the shower, so I wouldn’t smell like sweat tonight. 

As I was washing my body, I couldn’t help but think again of that night. I had thought about it constantly since it happened. Why had I changed in front of Stacey? Why was Stacey starting at my breasts? Why did she so suddenly leave the room? Why did I want her to stay? Why do I care? 

By the time all these thoughts had finished running through my mind, I was done with my shower, and still feeling unsure about everything. As I was changing in my room, my mom called out to me.

“Kathryn, Stacey is here.” To me, and then I could here, “Yes, Stacey, just go right up.” She said.

Great. I don’t want another incident like last time. I hurriedly finished dressing, and when Stacey got to my door, I was putting on my shoes. As I looked up, I saw Stacey in my doorway. She looked beautiful. She had her hair done up in a messy bun, a light amount of mascara, her lips were covered with pink lip gloss. And as I kept looking lower and lower, I saw that she had on a mandarin type shirt on (kind of like the top half of a kimono), and blue jeans with tennis shoes. 

“Hey, you ready?” Stacey asked me.

I must have looked pretty stupid just staring at her like that, but I couldn’t help it. She looked gorgeous.

“New shirt?” I managed to say.

“Yeah, I bought it today. Like it?”

Hell yes! “It’s cute.” Well, with the awkward silence that followed, I knew she was nervous about something. At least I knew why I was nervous.

The movie was great. I had always been a big fan of Audrey Hepburn, and Roman Holiday was her first big hit, and best. 

We were just at the part where Audrey’s character gets her hair cut, when I felt something on my hand. I looked down, and Stacey was holding my hand!

I leaned toward her. “What’s up?”

“You’re beautiful too.”

What!?! Random, whatever. “Thanks?” I didn’t quite know what to say.

“You are beautiful. I think YOU are the most beautiful person anyone will ever see, and I am the luckiest person to have a best friend like you.”

And then she kissed me. Not a full on kiss, more like a suspended peck, that felt like it went on forever, and when Stacey pulled away, it was too soon.

“Thank you.” I whispered. 

We held hands for the rest of the movie.

After the movie ended, Stacey drove us to the Presidio, and we sat on the bench holding hands, and just staring at the lake water.

“Why did you kiss me?” I wasn’t being judgmental, I liked it, and I just wanted to know why she did it.

“Because if I didn’t, I knew that I would never get the guts to do it again. I’m sorry, but you kissed me back and didn’t pull away.” She was starting becoming defensive.

“No.” I reached out, and cupped her face in my palm. “I loved it. I’m glad you did it, but I don’t understand you.” I scooted my butt a little away from her so that I could clear my head and figure out what I was talking about. “One week you are freak dancing with some guy you don’t know, and now you are kissing your best friend. What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.” She moved closer to me, so that our legs were brushing against each other. “I have always wanted to kiss you. You ARE the most beautiful person I know, but your religion doesn’t accept homosexuality, and I didn’t want to take that chance. But then, when I looked over at you during the movie, you looked so beautiful, and I knew I would regret not kissing you for the rest of my life. Ryn, I love you.”

“Listen.” Now I was becoming defensive. “Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the best thing in my life. And not you or anyone is going to say something completely false about it. Christianity, Judaism, both of these religions believe that homosexuality is against God’s will. But that doesn’t mean anything. God wants me to be happy, so if I were homosexual, which I’m not saying, then religion would have nothing to do with it. I don’t even understand how you could say something like that!” I yelled!

“Jesus! Calm down. I wasn’t talking bad about your church!” Stacey was almost yelling too.

I looked sheepishly toward the ground. I knew she didn’t mean to offend me. It’s just all my life I have had to defend being Mormon to others because they didn’t understand the religion. But now I had to choose between being in a homosexual relationship to being a member of God’s church. 

“I’m sorry. I need to go.” I said while standing up. “I’ll call you tomorrow, maybe.” And I left her sitting there with this look of shock on her face.

I was in my room thinking, and just lying on top of the covers on my bed. 

What am I supposed to tell her? She wasn’t exactly asking me if I was gay, but I still have to tell her the truth. I wish I knew that truth. I’m not gay, I think. I mean I never really thought about it before. I was brought up thinking that one day I would marry a man in my church, and we would go to the temple together, and have children, and grow old together. None of that could happen if I was in a relationship with a woman. 

Why can’t everything just be simple? OH!!! I can’t stand it anymore.

I changed and went to bed.

Any and all comments are welcome.