Dear Diary 06

He looked back at me and grinned. The giggle was obviously taken as what it was, a sign of embarrassment rather than mockery. He unzipped my jeans and let them drop to the floor, pulling them over my feet together with the sneakers that I wore. To my great relief, he left my panties on for the time being. I felt as if I would die on the spot were he to take them off right away. This was the first time I was naked with a man and the feeling of exhilaration was still coupled with shame.

“Come,” Duke pulled me down to him, gently pushing me onto the pallet. I laid on my back, carefully pressing my legs together, well aware that this would turn out to be more than just a little play, like Duke pointed out earlier. 

He lay next to me and began kissing me all over - my face, breasts, belly, working his way down my thighs to my knees, extending his arm above my waist and gently tickling my side making me shriek in laughter. “Sshh.” He said and pulled himself back up so that we lay side by side. 

“What?” I asked innocently and giggled again. 

“The cleaning lady is here.” That sobered me up instantly. I was ready to jump up and put on my clothes.

“No, no.” Duke pressed me back onto the pallet. “She won’t come in, it’s locked, remember?” I looked at him and then fearfully at the door, which was so close that I could have touched it was I to extend my arm. “We’ll just have to be quiet.” He said and buried his face into my belly. 

His soft kisses, tongue running over my skin, gentle pinches of my nipples and firm squeezes with his hands were driving me wild. I was aware of my body being completely turned on; I could feel the wetness between my legs. Despite the fear of what was to come, I could hardly wait for it to happen. 

Very naively I suppose, I still had a notion of romantic coupling seen on TV and read of in the books. Everything was to be passionate and gentle, beautiful and satisfying. 

When Duke pulled my panties off I didn’t resist. His hand stroked my inner thighs and without a thought I spread my legs enough to give him a free passage. As eager as he seemed before, he took his time now. His fingers were running over my thigh to the knee and back, barely touching the skin, giving me the feeling of light electric shocks in my leg. 

It bothered me however that he laid next to me, propped up on his elbow, staring at me without saying a word, a smug grin on his face. He must have seen what his touch was doing to me. I suppose one would not have expected a virgin to be this forthcoming, but he was driving me absolutely mad with teasing. 

“You want to kiss my dick?” he asked all of a sudden and I almost screamed in horror. “It’s okay,’ he smiled, “You don’t have to, we can do that some other time.” His hand reached up higher on my thigh than before, only to change its course and go back down to my knee. 

Did he really say ‘the next time’? Was there to be the next time? I wanted it to be, at least at that moment I did. If what was to come was this pleasurable, I would certainly want it to happen again. 

Finally, his hand pushed further up my inner thigh, making me spread my legs even more and for the first time in my life, I felt somebody else’s fingers on my clitty. The feeling is almost impossible to describe and I hope I never forget it. I was already turned on and when he brushed his fingers against my pussy I yelped, trying hard to keep it to myself, but didn’t quite succeed. He placed his finger on my clitty and held it there for a few moments, still but with slight pressure applied. 

“You like that?” he asked and I closed my eyes in shame and pleasure. “Tell me, Nikkie, please.” He whispered and the pressure on my clitty intensified. I thought I was going to cry, I felt so good. “Do you…?

“Yes, yes, oh yes.” I gasped and felt his finger starting to make delicate circles around my clitty, then on top of it, as if trying to circle the little bud itself. My thighs twitched and I moaned, aware that I might look silly, but not caring. 

He kept rubbing my clitty and pressing his fingers against my pussy, kissing my neck at the same time, then tracing his tongue to my breast and suckling on my nipple, all the while his fingers between my legs never stopped working. 

I could feel the pleasure in my belly intensifying and I could not believe that I was so close to cumming, having it done so many times by myself, but it never seemed to be this pleasurable. As if from a great distance, I remember hearing the voice of my best friend Janie, explaining that it had taken her a long time before she cummed with her boyfriend. Months, I think she said. 

Well, Janie – I thought – it won’t take months for me. 

I was grateful that Duke didn’t try and make me touch his dick or like he asked me before take it in my mouth. I was too freaked out, yet. After all, this was my first time. 

Just as I was certain that a few more brushes against my clitty were going to send me over the edge and into a whirlpool of pleasure such as I have not experienced before, Duke pulled his hand away and to my disappointment and anticipation, but still terror, knelt between my legs, hooking his arms under my knees and driving them up, so that they were almost pressed against my belly. 

He didn’t say anything this time, his face serious with concentration over what he was doing. I finally gathered the courage to look at his dick again and it appeared funny to me. The sight of its purplish head almost made me burst into laughter. Until, that is, I felt it press against the entrance of my pussy, which by that time was well lubed with my own juices. 

I wanted to ask him to please continue with what he was doing before. I thought maybe I should tell him how close I was to cumming, but the inexperience had made me keep quiet in embarrassment. Having positioned himself, Duke looked in my eyes and slowly pushed forward. The unfamiliar feeling of an intruder entering my body made me squirm. 

Janie told me that the first time usually hurts; sometimes a lot, but I felt no pain yet. Duke paused a little and pushed in farther. I could see the sweat beads gathering on his forehead. Then he shoved in deeper and the first pain in my stomach made me grab his arms, and jump up as if trying to squirm from under him and sit up. 

I think he must have anticipated that and he lay on top of me, his belly against mine, his arms pushing my legs horizontally on my body, opening me up completely. He pushed in again and the pain became more pronounced, intensifying each time he shoved, until I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Please stop!” I gasped, but Duke kept pushing deeper, now holding onto my arms as if trying to pull himself all the way inside of me. The searing pain of his dick entering my virgin pussy was incredible. Suddenly, I felt as if something inside me had snapped and I couldn’t keep quiet. I didn’t scream off the top of my lungs as I wanted to, but the groan was loud and if anybody was listening, they must have heard it. 

“Stop, stop!” I begged and he stopped but didn’t pull out. 

“It’s all the way in, now, sweetheart.” He whispered, gently kissing me on the lips. I didn’t want to be kissed. “It’s going to get better, you’ll see.” He said and I seriously doubted that this pain would simply go away. “It’s alright, I can wait.” He said.

I didn’t want him to wait. I wanted him to pull out and let me go. 

After a few moments he started pumping in and out very gently, his movements barely visible to an eye, but to my pussy, each one seemed like an assault with a thick bat. The burning pain traveled into my belly and I cringed, trying hard not to start crying. 

He was wrong. It did not get any better. He was fucking me softly for what seemed like an hour to me, although I’m certain it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. 

“Be careful.” I said. If I couldn’t get him to stop, I hoped I could at least make sure he didn’t cum inside me. How foolish not to use a condom. Again, by Janie’s instructions, I didn’t even think of a condom. She told me that the first time with a condom is an absolute agony. How much more of an agony than this could it be, I couldn’t imagine. 

“Oh, baby,” he whispered and started pumping in and out more forcefully, the pain in my stomach still beyond anything I imagined. 

All of a sudden I heard something bang against the door where we lay, just inches from my face. My eyes popped in horror and I looked at Duke, ready to become completely hysterical. 

He shook his head and pouted his lips in a quiet ‘sshh’, his pelvis not missing a beat. I could not believe the situation I have gotten myself into. Here I was, in an office of all places, laying on the blanket, in the process of losing my virginity to someone I cared absolutely nothing about, which I’m sure was the case with Duke as well, and a cleaning woman was banging her broom against the door, hopefully oblivious of what was going on the other side. 

After a couple of additional fairly forceful bangs, I heard her footsteps moving away from the door, farther down the hall. I sighed in relief, but just for a moment. As I looked at Duke, I saw a satisfied grin on his face. “I thought she’d never leave.” He whispered and despite the pain and discomfort I smiled back. 

“Cos,” he continued and I could feel his grip on my arms tighten. “I’m ready to cum, baby!” With that, his pumping intensified, turning into forceful rammings, oblivious to my whimpering and squirming, trying to see it through, terrified at the length of time it was taking him to finish. 

I freed my arms and pressed against his chest as if to shove him off. I tighten up my body, as if trying to push the invasive dick out of my sore pussy and this seemed to fire Duke up even more. “Yeah,” he gasped, “That’s right, squeeze me!” he said fucking me hard now, each thrust causing me a new wave of burning pain. “Squeeze my dick, Nikkie!” he kept on and I kept trying to push him out while he continued the assault on my tender part. 

The weirdest thing was that despite the pain, it felt good. With each thrust deeper inside, his pelvis pressed against my clitty, giving me pleasure despite the hopeless situation and an understanding that I would not achieve the peak that I almost did before he entered me. 

I looked at him and his face was almost as purple as his dick’s head was when I saw him naked. The veins on his forehead and neck were popping out, he was sweaty, his eyes shut, his mouth slightly open with the tongue pressed against the upper lip. He was a handsome man, but seeing him at that particular moment, he looked completely different, pleasurable intoxication making his face ugly. 

In my inexperience I couldn’t quite tell when he was cumming and didn’t moan about being careful, again. I didn’t think he could fuck me any harder, but the last few thrusts were so powerful, he moved us both up on the blanket, scraping my back against the rough material. His body surged forward and his chest swayed in front of my face. Determined to return some of the pain that he was causing me, I sucked onto his erect nipple and bit down harder than I meant to, causing him to yell out in pain, his dick completely buried inside of me, Duke still pumping without pulling out now. I could feel the throbbing of his dick, as he was cumming, his body shuddering in a wave of pleasure, a deep groan escaping his throat. 

For a few moments afterwards, he remained still between my legs, his upper body supported on his hands, his muscular chest above me. I could feel him relax, his face smoothed over, the redness slowly dissipating. 

As if he had only just realized I was there he looked down at me and smiled. I didn’t feel like smiling. He slowly pulled out, which again caused a burning sensation inside my pussy, but not as bad as before. 

“Did I hurt you?” he asked and lifted his body off mine, laying next to me. I could feel his cum oozing out of me and the feeling was uncomfortable. I meant to tell him that he was supposed to be careful and not cum inside, but I couldn’t be bothered. It wouldn’t make any difference. I quietly hoped that the saying of the first fuck not resulting in pregnancy was true. 

I felt cold and dirty. I didn’t want to lie around and cuddle and I got the feeling Duke felt the same. I sat up and he handed me a small towel to wipe myself off. With that gesture I realized that this was all planned. The pallet was deliberately spread out for me. Duke telling me that we didn’t have to fuck, just play around a bit was bullshit and I fell for it. I had no one to blame but myself. 

I quietly wiped myself off, noticing traces of blood mixed with his sperm. I got up and dressed and Duke did the same. While he was pulling his clothes on, he did not look at me once. Only when I was all dressed and ready to go, walking towards the entrance, he came after me. “Wait, wait.” He said and hugged me. Despite the bad experience that I had just had, I was grateful for that hug. 

He leaned over and kissed me, gently like a lover, and I loved him for it. 

That happened a week ago. I had my final exam yesterday and hope that I will pass, I won’t get the results until tomorrow. I haven’t seen Duke since the day in his office and I’m not looking forward to seeing him again. Each time I leave my dad’s apartment I am careful to check the street before I step out.

I’m glad I did it and then again, I’m not. I probably should have waited. I finally told Janie yesterday and she seemed disappointed. I didn’t know she had fancied him and she didn’t tell me so, but I could gather from her reaction. Well, I can’t help it now. I’m leaving for London on Sunday and I’m excited. Duke never gave me any of the addresses that he promised and I didn’t ask. I think I might be better off without them, anyway.