Autobiography of a Wanker

I got married young, to a woman eight years older than myself whom I had got pregnant. Sex with her was great, but I was in her hands as far as the intensity of love-making was concerned, so I continued to masturbate to fill in the gaps. Actually, she was the first woman whom I knew that she knew I masturbated, as, during a week of enforced “celibacy” the week before we were married I masturbated in bed almost every night and then took my sheets to her to be washed! This intensive period of masturbation did not prevent me from making love more than twenty times during our week’s honeymoon.

So I continued my masturbatory pursuits in public toilets, in the toilet at home, in the bath, even in bed next to my sleeping wife, while reading “Fanny Hill”. It was something so natural, so harmless, yet I still had pangs of guilt when the sheer joy of the orgasm had died down. But of course I continued doing it – and took great pleasure from it! I also once used a rolled up newspaper as a “vagina”, and also masturbated by lying on my stomach and rubbing my penis against the sheets or between a pillow and the lower sheet, sometimes into a lubricated plastic bag..

My marriage came to an end and masturbation became my only outlet for a while. I think it was during this period, while living alone and doing my own washing that I discovered how sexually exciting I found urinating and defecating in my pants. To feel the warm urine trickling down my trouser legs and my pants filling out with shit was an incredible excitement. I suppose it was simply reliving the primal pleasure of soiling and wetting nappies! I also enjoyed going to a public toilet at Fulham station and urinating and defecating beside the lavatory bowl and then masturbating. There was a hole in the door and once, looking through it, I could see a man masturbating into the urinal. This was the first time as an adult that I had seen someone else masturbating and I spent quite a lot of time and effort after that trying to repeat the experience, without much success.

Eventually I found a girl who wanted sex as intensively as I did and we had a ball together, with plenty of experimentation. We went to sex shops together, took polaroid photos of each other masturbating – although she refused to admit to having masturbated and did not like talking about it. So, I enjoyed sex with her – and when we were apart I continued to masturbate, but without telling her.

While abroad on a work trip I met a woman with whom I fell in love and I dropped S. and eventually married M. She wasn’t as free sexually, or as horny as S. and sex was fine although not as frequent as I would have liked. We were close enough for me to talk about masturbating and she seemed to understand if not entirely approve, so I continued freely and sometimes told her about it, which I found quite an arousing experience. Later on in the marriage I frequently masturbated next to her in bed while she slept, very often as a sort of revenge for being rejected! I masturbated with the minimum of movement and then wiped the sperm over my stomach to avoid any stains on the sheets. A couple of times I masturbated in the sleeping compartment of a night train when going on holiday with the whole family. There was an added pleasure in doing something so “forbidden” in the presence of people who would have been shocked if they had known. I even succeeded in masturbating secretly in the bath while my young son was sitting on the toilet! One summer, when alone at home, I would masturbate frequently onto the sheets and then leave the bed unmade so the young gypsy housemaid would see the stains. 

I quickly discovered a couple more masturbatory methods. Bath taps were half way along the bath and by letting the water flow onto my erect penis I reached orgasm with no self-contact at all. Each bath also had a hand-held shower which, played onto the frenum was also delightfully stimulating and this became a favourite masturbatory “toy”. Also, the bath was as excellent place for sticking a soapy finger up my arse while I masturbated, something I learnt from a book and accepted willingly. Of course, I also used “girlie” and pornographic magazines as a stimulation and enjoyed ejaculating over the pictures. I remember trying a new masturbatory method while looking at one – namely pulling the foreskin down as far as possible and holding the penis firmly without any movement. The orgasm was quite intense, but I did not use this method frequently as the book which had given me the idea warned that it could result in a reduction of sensation in the frenum.

Although I cannot pretend to have really practised transvestitism, I have put on ladies tights and masturbated in front of a mirror wearing them. There were three things that turned me on; one was the bizzare sight of an erection stretching the tights unnaturally, creating a pyramid in the front; the second was looking at my erect penis pressed either down against my leg, or up against my stomach – and the sperm oozing out through the mesh as I ejaculated; the third was to push my penis back between my legs so that I looked like a woman. I then just looked at the hand on the pubic hair and fantasised female masturbation!

My work took me away from home quite frequently, sometimes for several months. Then masturbation became my only sexual outlet and my imagination began to work and I tried a number of new methods. One was taking half a loaf of bread, making a hole just the diameter of the penis and putting a plastic bag inside the hole and then wrapping it round the half-loaf. I took this to bed with me and it served as an excellent mock vagina. After coming I left the sperm-filled bread by the side of the bed and in the morning masturbated with it again, the previous night’s sperm acting as an arousing lubricant. I also discovered in a book, a masturbatory method that involved crouching down on my heels and tucking my erect penis between them and bouncing up and down, This worked best with a lubricant, or in the bath with soap. Another method was to lie on my back with my knees tucked up to my waist and then put my penis between my knees – and squeeze!
Perhaps the height of my masturbatory ingenuity was the method I used inspired by my frustration at not being able to suck my own penis, something I had done in a wet dream. As second best, I would lie on the bed or floor and throw my legs back over my head, so that my penis was directly above my mouth. I would then masturbate, ejaculating directly into my mouth. When on my own for several months, staying in a hotel, I would treat myself to long, relaxed masturbating sessions when I would relax naked on the bed in front of a mirror and caress myself for as long as possible without reaching orgasm. In the bathroom, pissing and shitting continued to be frequent masturbatory aids. Some of the above masturbatory methods I transformed into a rhyme:

Wanks for the memory

Relaxed, I lie upon the bed, 
My body straight, my legs outspread;
My eyes towards the looking glass,
I stick one finger up my arse.
The other hand goes to my prick,
And when it’s straight and getting thick,
I put some oil upon the crown
And then I rub it up and down
Gently, until it’s getting thicker, 
And then I start to rub it quicker. 
When the juices start to come,
I wipe them off with my left thumb,
Which I then suck – oh, what a taste,
A nectar sweet, too good to waste.
Now I stand up and walk around,
And then I lie upon the ground
And rub my prick against the rug –
How soft it is, how smooth, how snug.
O, it’s too much! I’m going to come –
Once more my finger’s in my bum…
No, no – not yet, not quite so fast! 
I want this wank to last and last…
I stand up and in the mirror glance
And once more round the room I prance.
I crouch, my prick between my heels –
Bounce up and down – how good it feels!
Oh, things are coming to a head;
Throbbing, I lie upon the bed
And throw my legs back o’er my hips,
So my prick is right above my lips.
My hand moves faster and my left thumb
Goes deeper and deeper up my bum..
I’m coming now! The sperm is flung
Into my mouth, right on my tongue!
Oh how blissful – what a joy!
Thank God I’m such a naughty boy!

Both in London and on trips abroad, I discovered the joys of pornographic cinemas. I would have an erection for most of the film but tried to keep my orgasm until the end of the film. I would then ejaculate in my pants sometimes with manual aid, sometimes without it. Occasionally I would put on a condom before the film, ejaculate into it and then leave it hanging in the toilet, full of sperm. When I was wearing a condom I did not wear underpants and cut a hole in the left-hand pocket of my trousers so that I could touch and rub my penis directly. I also frequented pornographic cinemas in Paris and in Munich, as well as porno-film cabins where one could watch about ten minutes of a film for a pound or so – long enough to get aroused and to masturbate to orgasm. It was in Munich that I first experienced a peep-show, which entailed going into a small cabin, putting money into a slot which opened a small window revealing a naked girl in a sexy pose or, sometimes, playing with herself. The plastic bag with sperm-soaked tissues in it made it clear what had to be done, so of course I did it! In London there were peep-shows where the girl would approach the window and ask if I wanted her to be “naughty”. This meant slipping her extra money through the slot, after which she would masturbate, sometimes close to the window. I of course masturbated at the same time, ejaculating onto the wall and floor of the cabin. Once, about half-an-hour after leaving such a peep-show, I noticed that one shoe was covered with sperm! 

But back to the porno cinemas. I had read in books that men masturbated openly in such cinemas, but I never experienced it until I started going to a very seedy cinema club near Kings Cross. To start with I just masturbated secretly as before, but one day I was surprised to look down and see the man next to me stroking a half-erect penis! He moved away from me and sat nearer the screen, openly masturbating, without ejaculating, but continually wiping the juices from his penis with a tissue. I came in my pants long before the end. Eventually I realised that the place for open masturbation was the back row, so I went there. Nearly everyone there had their pricks out, some masturbating gently and subtly, others making a great show of it. Some were masturbating each other and I once witnessed a blow job. It didn’t take long for me to join them, but I found myself coming very, very quickly, so I tended to spend the first hour in the front row and then retire to the back. I usually slipped a condom on my penis just before orgasm to avoid a wet, sticky mess, but I did not always succeed. There were men who wanted to masturbate me, but I shunned that, largely because I was so turned on that I knew I would ejaculate in a matter of seconds! I once started playing with the prick of a rather fat, greasy man next to me, but when he tried to grab hold of mine, I left. Then, one day, I was sitting next to quite a respectable man who was happily masturbating and watching the film. I tentatively stretched out my hand and touched his penis. He did not seem to have anything against this so I took hold of it and started masturbating him. He obviously enjoyed this, and sat back and relaxed. Then I could feel him throbbing, he gave out a very quiet cry, and ejaculated, his sperm flying all over his trousers, his jacket and my hand. He wiped off the sperm, buttoned up his trousers and continued to watch the film. I had already masturbated once, earlier, in the front row, but I was ready for another orgasm and continued to masturbate myself, ejaculating into my handkerchief. 

Another place I masturbated in front of people was on a bus, although of course no one knew what I was doing. I managed to arrange my penis so that it was vertical, against my stomach, and then, using the vibrations of the bus and slight movement of my body, I brought myself to a delightful – and very messy – orgasm! Other occasions that come to mind, though not in chronological order, include going to a cinema to watch a perfectly ordinary film and, being careful to sit on my own, wetting my pants deliberately during the film. I also did this at times while going for a walk, and when I was jogging. Once I shat myself at the end of a jog. This was, of course, when I was living on my own and doing my own washing! Masturbation was usually the climax of the operation. Once in a hotel I shat on the bathroom floor and then masturbated, watching myself the whole time in the mirror.

Occasionally during my life I witnessed men playing with themselves in public toilets and although it intrigued me and excited me, it never went further than that. Until a few years ago, that is. Once, going into a public urinal I noticed that two of the other three men there were masturbating – at least, playing with themselves. I later realised that they were soliciting and hoping to find a partner for homosexual sex. Watching these men playing with themselves excited me and I would get an erection and play with myself. I used to go to this particular urinal frequently, in the hope of seeing a few erect cocks being rubbed. Once a man masturbated to ejaculation, something I had until then only seen in porno films. A couple of times I became so excited that I myself ejaculated into the urinal, but usually I just enjoyed playing with myself and pretending to masturbate, to work up the other men. Occasionally a man would try to take hold of my penis but I always found this rather degrading and left immediately. 

A masturbatory method I am particularly proud of is masturbating into bread dough! Once, I was kneading dough in the kitchen and, whether I was consciopusly or subconsciously fantasising, I don’t know, but I got an erection and soon realised that it was going to end in masturbation. The soft, rubbery feel of the dough gave me an idea. I made a hole in it, put in some olive oil and then took out my penis and inserted it in this culinary vagina. The sensation was fabulous! I pulled it out and pushed it in, backwards and forwards, until I could feel myself coming. The first few times I did this I practised “coitus interruptus” and ejaculated outside the dough, but finally I went the whole hog and completed the erotic experience by ejaculating into the dough, then kneading it in and baking “sperm bread”! If only those who eventually ate it had known the secret ingredient! 

Zoo-sex is something I thought could never be for me, until I masturbated a dog. Looking after someone’s dog for a week I discovered that he was very excited by the smell of my penis, and would sniff at it and get an erection. Fascinated, I put my hand on his penis and he got even more excited, bouncing up and down, and when I started rubbing it he ejaculated almost immediately. I repeated this on a number of occasions and once I let him lick my penis, which quickly became erect, exciting him all the more. When I ejaculated he happily licked up the sperm. Then I decided to be really daring. I wanted to see whether he would fuck me up my arse. I stripped off and went with him to the bathroom. When I crouched like a dog I was too high so I tried lying on my back with my legs apart, raising my arse to the height of his prick. He tried to enter, but didn’t quite succeed and ejaculated all over my buttocks. I followed suit immediately!

This takes me well into my fifties, meaning over forty years of almost continual masturbation. I did once remain “celibate” for over a year as I had decided that I really ought to stop, but I started again – I shall never forget that first masturbatory orgasm after such a long time. It was on a walk up in the mountains, and after spending most of the walk continually getting erections I finally stopped by the side of the path and let myself go! After that, I soon made up for lost time. I also went several time for a “massage” – being masturbated by a prostitute. This was by no means as satisfactory as masturbating on my own, but somehow I had less of a guilty conscience about it!

I am now married for the third time, to a woman who has also spent her life masturbating, who still masturbates and who enjoys talking about it. We have a wonderful sex-life which includes masturbating together and, when we are apart, masturbating over the telephone. To start with I was reluctant to masturbate to orgasm when alone, but that changed eventually. I have visited the public urinal several times, and masturbated, always telling Z. I have also urbated in the porno cinema and at home, sometimes in bed when Z is asleep. But I always tell her in the morning. Z. also occasionally masturbates to orgasm when alone, also telling me about it afterwards. We watch pornographic films together, masturbating as we do so, and talk openly about our masturbating experiences – Z. knows everything I have included in this document and she has excited me with her masturbatory tales. 

That just leaves fantasies. Naturally, I have always had them and they have usually involved masturbation. I would like to make a pornographic film, and if I did it would include a lot of masturbation – not just the ejaculation after sex, but men openly masturbating because they enjoy it! I have a fantasy about sharing a hotel room or a sleeping compartment on a train with a strange man and then somehow discovering that he wanted to masturbate so that we end up masturbating each other. I once wrote a short story about this fantasy, in which I was in the lower bunk and the man in the bunk above me came down to wash and clean his teeth. I pretended to be asleep but threw the occasional glance at him. When he had washed his face he lowered his trousers and started to wash his private parts. As he was doing this he became excited and started to get an erection. I thought I might be going to watch a “soapy-hands” job but he stopped and climbed up to his bunk. What I had witnessed was enough to get me masturbating, though I did it with the minimum of movement. Soon afterwards though I felt the bunk shaking and it became clear that he was masturbating as well. I called up and said: 

“Excuse me, but are you by any chance doing what I’m doing?”
“Do you mean wanking? Yes I am. Want to join me up here?”

And of course I did and it ended in a beautiful session of mutual masturbation and cock-sucking. I really do have a desire to suck a penis, something my wife encourages me to arrange somehow! I would also like to witness Z. making love with another woman, while I masturbate. 

So, I have spent my whole life masturbating and I will certainly continue to masturbate for as long as I am physically capable. The difference now is that, thanks to Z., I can do it without the slightest trace of guilt, which was not the case earlier. As anyone who happens to read this will see, I have had a rich masturbatory life. Some may be shocked, others may be horrified. I can honestly say now that I do not regret anything I have done in the slightest, and warmly recommend anyone to try any of these forms of masturbation which take their fancy. None of them harms anybody and there is no reason why they should harm you. They are all physically harmless and if you don’t want to do it then you won’t, so there’ll be no mental conflict! My advice is, take it out, if you haven’t already, lie in front of a mirror and enjoy yourself, taking Woody Allen’s advice: “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone you love.”!