The Watchtower

These days it just scares me.

And there is only one way I know of to deal with my vulnerability: immerse myself in my career. Summoning all my willpower, I gently pry myself out of her mesmerizing grip. “Sorry, honey,” I say. “I have to look at some reports before we go out.”

She seems disappointed, but nods her head in agreement. “Okay, sweetheart,” she says. I get up to walk out. “Hey,” she says, grabbing my arm. “I love you.”

“I know that.” I can’t seem to bring myself to say the same to her. There’s a hurt look in her eyes that is tearing me up inside, but I rationalize it and leave the room.

In the long run, it’s for the best.

**********

ALEX
----

I sip my latte and wipe the foam off my mouth. The five of us – myself, Shawn, Jesse, Pat and Cori – are sitting at our usual hangout, a quiet little gay-friendly coffee shop near our apartments. I sit back in my chair, a huge smile on my face, watching the scene before me. A Shawn-Cori argument is never boring. It’s like having your own private sitcom.

“Cori, you suck. There. It can’t be said any more accurately or poignantly. You fucking suck.” Shawn is shaking her head.

“Hey, go easy on her,” I say. Shawn is too harsh on Cori. She’s a confused adolescent, who clearly never got enough information.

Cori stands, red-faced, arms folded at her waist, biting her lip. Shawn paces in front of her like a drill sergeant. “So, let’s state this clearly to make sure we’ve got it right,” says Shawn, sternly. “You *still* haven’t been able to find your clitoris.”

“No, Shawn,” says Cori, looking glum. Her voice has a very obvious Southern lilt that only serves to confirm her status as a misfit.

“You tried the telephone shower?”

“Yes, Shawn.”

“What did you do, sweetheart?” asks Shawn, sarcastically. “Suck it?”

Cori looks genuinely worried. “I don’t think I have a clitoris.”

“Cori,” says Shawn, trying not to laugh, as the rest of us suppress giggles. “That’s really, really not possible.”

“But it’s not there...I swear, I tried to look for it. I spent two hours just spraying the jet...and nothing.”

“You’re the dumbest person I’ve ever met,” says Shawn, resolutely.

“Or, she’s smarter than she looks, and trying to get in bed with you,” quips Jesse.

“Naah, it’s gotta be the first one,” says Pat, raising her eyebrows. “God, sometimes I wonder if you’re for real.”

“You guysss,” says Cori, a mortified smile on her face, “I swear, I’m telling the truth.”

“Cori, I think we need to re-think strategy here,” raps Shawn. “I’m sorry, but you’re failing Sex 101 miserably. So far, you’ve failed all the pop quizzes, your class participation is at an all-time low, and let’s not even *talk* about the field work.”

By this time, the rest of us are laughing hard.

“Pay attention,” says Shawn. “I don’t think you’re sufficiently motivated anymore. You’re losing interest. That’s not good.”

“But Shawn, I don’t care about sex,” says Cori. “I just want a girlfriend.” 
“You don’t care about sex?” asks Shawn incredulously. “You don’t care about SEX?” She looks at us. “SEX?”

“Calm down, Shawn,” says Jesse. “The kid’s got a point.”

I’m usually the quiet one. But Shawn’s ego-trips can sometimes motivate me sufficiently to want to toss up my two cents. “Shawn,” I say. “Frankly, I’m worried about what you’re doing to Cori. By the time you’re done with her, her head will be filled with this complete hodge-podge of ideas and she’ll be more messed up than ever.”

“Hey!” snapped Shawn. “I’m at my wits’ end with this kid, and you guys are not helping!” She turns to Cori again. “If you don’t figure this out soon, believe me I’m going to stand at your head and *make* you do it right!”

“Shawn, stop worrying her,” says Jesse. She turns to Cori and says, soothingly, “It’s okay. *I* could never tear myself away from my computer long enough to learn.”

Shawn waves her away. “Yeah, like she wants sex advice from a geek-girl. Whatever. Cor, I think you’re not prioritizing sex enough. You need more motivation. You need...” Shawn pauses for dramatic affect. “...The big ‘O’.” Cori looks confused. Shawn rolls her eyes. “An orgasm, you dumbass.”

No, seriously, it’s not an act. Cori really is this naive. Her family has completely secluded her from the real world and she’s...well, she’s a little slow on the uptake, to say the least. It’s truly ironic that she’s wound up in Pittsburgh and even more ironic that her mentor is someone like Shawn.

“Oh,” says Cori.

“What’s an orgasm, Cori?” asks Shawn patiently. Shawn has made Cori learn textbook definitions.

“Wait, I know this one, I know this one,” says Cori. “Ummm...the...the ultimate pinnacle of physical pleasure!”

“Gee-heez, you’d think she’s from another planet!” I laugh.

“Okay, Cori?” says Shawn, talking very slowly. “I’m now going to give you something...that will help you...it’s called...The Vibrator.” She takes one out of her bag and hands it to Cori, who stares at it in awe.

“Wh-what do I do with it?” she stammers.

“Oh, maaan,” says Shawn. “Cor, you’re making *me* look bad here! Do you understand...I have a goddamned reputation to live up to? If this gets out...”

“Oh, no, you’ll never get laid again!” I say, sarcastically.

She ignores me and gets a determined look in her eyes. This is Shawn at her most bullheaded. “Cori, come with me to the washroom NOW. You get inside the stall, and I’ll give you instructions through the door. We are getting this over and done with today, so help me...”

Cori follows Shawn to the washroom. “I love our friends,” I say, and exchange smiles with Jesse and Pat. “So what’s up with you two? Still out to make the rest of us die of jealousy?”

There’s an awkward pause during which I realize that they’ve obviously been having trouble lately. Pat laughs finally, embarrassed. “Well, we do okay,” she says, with a wry smile.

Jesse clearly wants a change of subject. “You tell us,” she says. “How’s the brown-haired straight girl?”

I sigh. I hate this discussion. “Questioning. She’s questioning.”

“Questioning, my ass!” says Pat. “Alex, you’re kidding yourself here. It’s been two months and she doesn’t even let you kiss her. I don’t care even if she is gay, you can’t let yourself get wound up in something that has only an outside chance of working.”

“Alex,” says Jesse, a little more gently. “Pat’s right. You’re crazy about this girl. I mean, you like her to an *unhealthy* extent, given that she barely reciprocates anything.”

This is where I freeze up and resort to my standard argument. Deny, deny, deny. “Look, I am not crazy about her,” I say. “I have a teeny little crush on her, and it’s going to blow over.”

Pat frowns. “Really? Alex, you don’t date anymore. No-one does that if it’s just a crush. Admit it. You’re in love with her.”

Oh, she’s right. She’s so damn right. I hate it but I can’t help it. Adrienne is the most adorable thing I’ve seen. She’s a sweet little femme and I can’t help wanting to take her in my arms and protect her from the big, bad world.

“Alex!” Jesse’s voice disrupts my thoughts. “Gosh, you’re getting that misty-eyed look again. And it spells trouble.”

I shrug, and smile weakly. We don’t choose who we love. It just happens. I know I will get hurt. For some reason, I am willing to put myself through that. Simply because I *want* her to know that I love her...even though she will never say it back to me.

We are interrupted by Shawn emerging, arms raised in the air in victory. “Yes!” she exclaims. “It worked!”

A dazed Cori follows her, announcing a little too loudly, “You guys, I just had the ultimate pinnacle of physical pleasure!”

Everyone in the cafe turns to stare. Shawn shakes her head. “Oh, I give up.” I can’t say I blame her.

**********

PAT
---

Another night at the bar, and I’m slow dancing with...Jess, is it? It sure doesn’t feel like her. I miss her...I miss *us*. I’m tired of having to pretend that everything is fine. And contrary to what she thinks, I *know* what’s wrong. I just don’t know how to bring it up. She can be so impossible to face.

My chin rests on her shoulder, and my arms go around her waist. I am longing to make love to her. I miss the closeness of her body. My attempt at photography as foreplay the other day failed miserably. She’s been avoiding me. She lives in a hard little shell and she only lets a few people in. Until the last month or so, I thought I was one of them.

I can’t forget the first date. Jesse is a cute soft butch, with an athletic body, short-cropped auburn hair, a slightly freckled face, and deep green eyes that stand out against her hair and olive skin. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was swept off my feet by her honesty. Jesse didn’t mince words. Jesse didn’t play mind games. Jesse said what she thought. Jesse was exactly who she wanted to be. She stated unabashedly, “Listen, I don’t know about you, but I’m completely Disney-ized. I’m not looking to play around. I’m looking for something real...and when I find it, I’m never going to let it go.”

But as I soon found out, Jess tries to be a lot stronger than she is. She needed me, and before long I managed to melt down her defenses. She finally admitted that she was in love with me, and she felt secure in letting me take charge of the relationship.

I never took advantage of the control I had over her. I always viewed it as a responsibility, and I was determined not to let her down.

Two wonderful years have gone by – we’ve had our fights but we’ve gotten through them – and soon, it’ll be time for me to go to grad school myself. In a month’s time, I’m going to move to the west coast for two years. Jesse hasn’t said a word to me, but I know what’s bothering her. She thinks that the instant I leave, out of sight will be out of mind. I, being younger, will find someone new, and leave Jesse out in the cold. She is more than afraid. She is paralyzed with fear.

The song has finished. “Shall we join Shawn at the bar?” Jesse asks me.

“Okay,” I say, letting her drag me toward Shawn. I glance at Shawn, who appears to be in deep thought. With her shaggy haircut, lanky, lithe body with just enough curves, her low-slung leather pants and hiking boots, she is the personification of sultry androgyny. And master of that indefinable quality – charisma. I surprise myself. I haven’t thought about her like that in a long time.

“Wussa matta, Shawn?” Jesse taps her shoulder, shaking her out of her trance. “Can’t find your next prey?”

Shawn sips her beer. “Actually, I’m taking my aim even as we speak.” She winks at me, and licks her lips wickedly.

“Hey, hey, hey,” jokes Jesse, slipping an arm around me protectively. “This one’s taken.”

I push Jesse’s arm off and stare at Shawn flirtatiously just to annoy her. Typical Jesse. We haven’t had sex in weeks, but she *must* be affectionate in front of Shawn, as if she has some point to make, as if she needs to one-up her.

Shawn and I have never really become good friends. There are potentially a number of reasons for this, but I can’t seem to understand any of them. For one thing, Jesse and Shawn have some sort of a friendly rivalry. But it goes further than that. Jess seems to resent the way Shawn gets attention without making even the slightest effort.

My thoughts are cut short. “What do you say, Pat?” asks Shawn, doling out one of her sexy grins.

“C’mon, Jess,” I say, winking at Shawn. “Can’t I? Just for one night?”

“Uh-huh, if she can squeeze you in next to her ten fuckbuddies,” says Jesse, eyebrows raised.

“C’mere, Pat,” says Shawn, pulling me by the arm. “Jess is just scared that I’ll steal you away from her. I have something of a track record, you know.”

Jess takes a sip of her beer. “Shawn, honey, this ain’t high school anymore.”

Shawn turns to me. “It was fucking hilarious,” she says. “Every time Jess liked a girl, she’d get tongue-tied and say something unbelievably stupid, like, ‘Hi, wanna see my collection of solar-powered robots?’ And a lunch hour later...bam! I’d be making out with her.”

“You’ve been a bad girl,” I chide her.

“Oh, you have no idea, babe,” grins Shawn. “But I’ve simmered down a little, which is kind of boring...but I guess I had it coming eventually.” She looks at Jess. “Wussa matta, Jesse? Recalling those high school days of heartbreak, are we?”

Jess laughs. “Yeah. You were horrible, Shawn. I mean, horrible. I can’t believe I’m still friends with you.”

“Excuse me, I never did anything wrong,” argues Shawn. “Those girls were fair game, and they came to me.” She made her famous puppy-eyes at Jesse. “What’s a desperate dyke to do?”

“Yeah, you’ve had it hard,” mocks Jesse.

“All right, look,” said Shawn. “You’re forgetting all the times I gave you the right pickup lines and told you what to say to a girl. Admittedly, you’ve turned out to be pretty cool, but let’s face it, a long time ago, you were...”

“A hopeless geek?” laughs Jess.

“You still are,” says Shawn. “But then, Pat’s a hopeless nerd, so it works out, right?” 

“Right,” says Jess, quickly.

“Right,” I repeat.

Shawn gives us a weird look. She gets off her stool and stretches her arms, revealing her pierced navel. “I’m off to do some scouting.”

“Clit control, Shawn, clit control!” says Jesse.

“Resist, resist, resist!” I call out after her.

“Riiight.” Shawn takes one last swig of her beer and walks off.

Jesse shakes her head. “That girl’s going to get in serious trouble some day. And I never got why the world is drooling over her, ‘cos I sure as heck didn’t.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I say, looking after her. “I can understand the appeal. She has a sort of magnetism to her.”

“Ya think?” says Jesse, trying to sound sarcastic, but unable to hide the note of jealousy entering her voice.

I’ve obviously hit a weak spot. I move into Jesse’s arms and rest my head on her shoulder. “Jess...let’s go home.” I pay the bartender and take Jesse’s hand. From across the room, Shawn winks at me, and pulls her latest sexual conquest to the dance floor.

**********

CORI
----

I am staring at my cereal which I do NOT feel like eating. Really? I *have* to do that? The mind boggles. I think I may have to confirm my suspicions with Shawn.

“But Shawn, is it compulsory?” I ask.

Shawn has just kissed off some girl after having sex all night, and I’ve come over to have breakfast with her.

“Yes, Cor, cunnilingus is compulsory,” she says in a bored voice.

“Really?” I ask, wrinkling my nose. “But why would anyone want to put...that...there? I mean...can I say something? That’s just truly gross. That sounds disgusting.”

“Cori,” says Shawn. “For the fifty billionth time, you absolutely have to be willing to do cunnilingus. Period. Now eat your breakfast.”

“I can’t eat now,” I complain.

Shawn sighs. “Cor, you have to eat pussy. Okay? If you can’t eat breakfast because you don’t want to eat pussy, you should just prepare yourself for a life of celibacy.”

This is entirely too much. I want a girlfriend, but I can’t imagine doing *that*. “No, Shawn, no!” I cry, my voice rising to a high-pitched whine, the way it does whenever I get agitated. “Why does it have to be compulsory? Why? Why? Ewww! Why would any human being ever want to do something that sick? WHY? EWWW!”

“Shut the fuck up!” growls Shawn. “You’ll disturb the neighbours, you moron! And it is *not* disgusting!”

“But the taste! And the smell!”

“We’ve had this discussion before, Cor,” says Shawn, and I think she’s trying not to slap me. “I don’t care what anyone says, I love giving a woman oral pleasure. And down there...girls just smell like, well, *girls*...and anyone who tells you differently is just brain-dead.”

“But Shawn,” I wail. “What if I throw up?”

“Then you can’t be much worse off than you are right now,” says Shawn, in a tone that makes it clear that she thinks I’m the most entertaining human being on the planet...and not in a good way. I think I must be looking pretty miserable because Shawn can’t help giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Will you calm down? When you get your chance, I promise you’ll love it.”

“Okay, Shawn. I trust you.” My parents don’t really care about me. My brother doesn’t understand what my coming out has meant to me. Shawn’s really the only one who’s ever been there for me.

“Don’t you have to go to school, Cor?” asks Shawn, entering big-sister-mode.

“Uhhh, I was thinking, maybe I could camp out at your place for today,” I say timidly. Please, please don’t make me go to school today. I can’t help it. I hate it there.

“Cor, are you cutting classes again?” asks Shawn.

“Well...not exactly...except that, yes, I am.” I look at the ground.

“God, Cori, what’s wrong with you?” asks Shawn, grabbing her jacket. “C’mon, I’ll drive you down there. I have to get to work myself.”

I follow her, downcast. I’d hoped Shawn, of all people, would’ve understood.

**********

ALEX
----

I see her lying on her bed, engrossed in a book. She’s irresistible. I coyly reach down and tickle her bare feet. She yelps that cute little yelp of hers and looks over her book at me. “Hi,” she says, a smile lighting up her face.

“Hey, there,” I reply. “Your roommate let me in.”

“Oh, yeah,” she says. “What’s up? I wasn’t expecting you today.”

“Nothing, nothing,” I say. “I was...uhhh...I was just wondering...are you free right now?” In my head, huge neon signs are going off saying, “STOP! STOP! STOP!” But I ignore the voice of reason and follow my gut.

“Free?” she asks. “For what?”

“Uhhh, nothing, I just found this great little Indian place...my friends hate Indian food, so I was wondering if you were interested in going with me...”

She looks at me with her trademark sly smile. “Alex.”

“No, not like that,” I say, hastily. “Just friends. I promise I won’t grope you.”

“Alex,” she says again, smiling. I know she’s tempted. This might seem crazy but I can’t get it out of my head that there’s some electricity between us. It can’t just be my imagination. I *feel* it.

“Well?” I ask her.

“Okay,” she says slowly, getting up to face me. I’m much taller than her, so her head is level with my shoulder. “But we better get back quickly.”