Wishful thinking

(Part 1 from 1)

Ok, ok, ok, so Iíve never kissed a girl. Yet. But I think I would - if I could. The right girl, of course, not just any girl.

After all these years, I have finally realized, that, hey, maybe - just maybe - it was a girl I was looking for all along: ďLookiní for love in all the wrong placesÖĒ

Itís only now, after years of being one of the guys Ė Iím seeing, hey - maybe itís ok to be a girl. And maybe itís ok to like girls, And , well Ė maybe - like myself. MaybeÖ

Anyway, if I was ever going to kiss a girl, it would be a special girl. I donít have any problem with fooling around, but casual is just well, too, casual. Iím not going to kiss just any girl to see what itís like. Itís too damn important.

Hey - I think Iíve found a special girl. Iíve never seen her, but Iíve fallen in love with the woman she is when she writes. Head-over-heels, sadly, madly, badly .We talk maybe three-four times a day. Been talking for over a year and now I canít think of anything but her. Sheís with me all the time and at the most mundane times Ė buying shampoo, taking out the garbage, returning overdue library books. Sheís always there. Itís so damn nice.

Iíve never heard her voice. I dunno what she looks like - does it really matter? I think sheís pretty ordinary Ė I do know she wears glasses. Brown hair Ė curly and longer than mine. Thatís about it. We donít talk about love. She doesnít do Ďin loveí, she says. We talk about our work, families, books, music, ideas Ė almost everything but love. Cos sheís scared of love - and so am I.

But if ever I really met her, Iím pretty sure Iíd want to kiss her. But Iíve never kissed a girl. I wouldnít even know where to start.

I guess that first Iíd give her a hug. Just what everyone does, meeting a friend from the airport or station. A cheek-to-cheek long hug & maybe a little extra peck on the cheek. Expected and even polite. Iíd maybe kiss her again, on the cheek, but more like a kiss, you know. Just soís it wasnít a mistake. And look right in her eyes. And finally, finally discover what colour they are.

And, maybe then - depending, of course, on whatís there in her eyes - maybe then a gentle, oh-so-soft, kiss on the lips, Just softly, you know, like Iíd never even been there. And - if we were still looking into each otherís eyes - maybe, after a bit, another kiss on the lips but a bit, well, - longer, lightly - softly. More like a brush. Hard to get this right, cos Iím just not a gentle person and I donít want to scare her.

Standing face to face for a bit, smiling and maybe rubbing noses like you do with a little kid. ĎEskimo kissingí, my grandma called it, though howíd she know how they kissed? Oh, love, I am so happy to actually see you at last. To be with you. To look into your eyes. Close your eyes, my sweet. And then Iíd tip your glasses up and touch each eyelid, so very very very gently with a finger Ė my baby finger, cos the rest are all so rough & scrubby. So softly. So carefully. Then put your glasses back on your nose, paying attention so theyíre on straight; I know youíre lost without them. And then kiss your lips again. Perhaps, maybe Ė now - I might wiggle the very tiniest tip of my tongue, just against the inside of my lips. Move to the very corner of your mouth & wiggle a little more. Mmmmmmm.Ö

Right, ok - you havenít broken away yet, so Iím going to figure this is something you donít mind, maybe - maybe even like? So carefully, so lightly, my cheek brushing yours, my eyelashes caressing you. Just a touch. I am wanting to take this sooooo, sooooo slowly. So that Iíll have lots to remember, when itís over. When youíre gone. So that you can stop me whenever you want, so you can escape if you need to - if you get scared. 

Iím scared now. Real scared. But Ė somehow - youíre still here with me, so I hold you in my arms and turn you round, so your back is to me and I pull you in gently against me, my hands on your shoulders. My face is in your hair. It doesnít smell like fruit or flowers or soap but fresh and salty like the ocean. Oh, oh - my love! I breathe in deep. I rub my nose against your neck. A kiss, so light, to your neck and - and then another. I am pretty sure by now that youíre kinda liking this, cos you havenít jumped away Ė but, well, I dunno Ė I never kissed a girl before.

Never kissed a lot of guys before, either, if it comes right down to it. We usually skipped the kissy bit and got right down to business. Got it over with as quickly as we could. Never made Ďloveí Ė lots and lots and lots of fucking, but never, ever making love. Never sober, never slow, never soft. Never making love - maybe cos I was never with a girl, never kissed a girl, not even in my dreams. And itís so amazing - now itís like I have all the time in the world.

So I kiss the other side of your neck and even nose into your right ear a little. A little peck on the ear and then Iím nuzzling in your salt-scented hair. Fluffy & a bit tickly. My hands move down your arms and I rub them softly, up and down, just a bit, as I breathe in the ocean. Maybe you lean back a little Ė oh, I hope you do - and I take that as a sign that itís ok, cos youíve been kissed by girls before. A few, anyway. Lucky, lucky, lucky girls.

I am so scared. This is way too important Ė not some high school thing, for all I feel like Iím about 18, nervous, fumbling, and really not knowing what comes next. My hand moves up and, yeah - yeah, that was your breast. Under my thumb. Oh - wow! Something I donít even dare think about. Not yet. Youíre going to run away now, I know it. Oh - oh, love, I am so sorry. I didnít meanÖ A long pause - and Ė and you lean back against me. Really! Oh Ė oh, wow!

I never ever thought about what happens now. So, I, well, I touch you there again Ė just for an instant. Just with my fingertips. I canít breathe at all Ė I am turning to total mush. I neverÖ

Your hand comes up and touches mine. I melt. I canít move, I canít breathe. Oh Ė oh Shit! I never thoughtÖ you put my hand over mine and hold it there. Iím gonna die.

I turn you round again, so that weíre looking into each otherís eyes. You look deep and smile. I know Iím smiling too. I take your hand Ė your small soft hand - in mine. And hold it to my breast, just for a second. Lean in again and touch your lips with mine. So softly. My tongue sneaks out and touches your lips - and your eyes smile into mine. And I feel your lips open and your tongue touches mine. Oh Ė shit! I melt again. Iím Ė Iím kissing Ė a girl. And I think Ė I think - sheís kissing me!
Oh Ė my - god!!! 

Your tongue Ė your tongue - flicks at mine and I, well, I reply. My lips open and my mouth is on yours. My arms around you, holding you. Iím kissing a girl. And itís amazing. Iím melting but suddenly I am so alive. I tickle your tongue with mine. I could do this all night.

Oh-oh-oh - my - love. Our tongues wiggle and squiggle and tease each other, as we hold each other Ė not as tight as Iíd like cos I know I have to leave you room to get away Ė if you get scared. I am so scared. I know Iím going to get this wrong somehow.

We stand with our hands on each otherís shoulders, kissing, just kissing. I could do this forever, but I break away first. I canít stand what I am feeling. Itís much Ė bigger Ė than I am. So - extreme. I turn to the window and put my forehead against the glass. Cold. Icy cold. My head is so hot, my knees are shaking. My hands against something cold and smooth and real. I lean there for a minute, though the frost burns and tears come to my eyes. What the fuck am I doing? I look back at you through tears and you are staring after me - hurt Ė hurt and not knowing why. Not what I meant. Not at all.

ďNo - no, my love,Ē I say, ďItís just itís way way too much.Ē These are first words I ever say aloud to you. I havenít even said hello. Havenít said your name. I turn back to the window. Staring out into the black night. I have fucked this up so bad. The cold hard glass on my forehead quiets me down Ė stops the sobbing inside. Slows the racing of my heart. Iíve never loved anyone like this. Never wanted anyone like this. I donít want this to ever end. I am so scared.

A small hand on mine. You lead me from the black window. Back near the fire.

I finally look at you, afraid of what I might see. ďItís not you Ė itís - itís me, Iím scared of, my love.Ē You take me in your arms now and your lips find mine. This time I hold you tightly cos I know you donít want me to let you go. And finally kiss you deep and long.

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