Shelly Part 3 Confessions

The hospital kept me for one more night. Rachel biked over from the campus after her last class to visit me that afternoon, and Megan showed up soon after and drove all of us home. They didn’t talk about what had happened and I was grateful for it.

When I walked into my room, Kim was seated at her computer. She said “Hi” to me only because I said it first. I don’t think she had even noticed that I was gone the night before. Part of me wanted to tell her what had happened just for the pure shock value of it, but I was afraid that if I tried to talk about it, I might start crying again.

I saw Rachel after Calculus that Thursday and asked her out to lunch. We walked to Giovanni’s, a local pizza and pasta restaurant, chatting about nothing at all, quite deliberately avoiding what had happened at the Halloween party. All the while, questions burned in my mind. Finally, seeing me pecking around the edges of my salad, Rachel came right to the heart of it. “What’s bothering you, Shelly?”

I took a deep breath and set down my fork. “Megan told me that you guys were late because she had a fight with Araceli. When I asked her what it was about, she wouldn’t say. Then she was acting really strangely. She said some things that weren’t like her at all.”

Rachel swallowed and then spoke slowly.. “They were supposed to meet at my room. Megan showed up, so we thought that Araceli had forgotten about the party. When we went to her room to get her, we…well, she was in bed with another girl. Megan totally lost it and started screaming at both of them. If I hadn’t been there, I don’t know what could have happened. I grabbed hold of Megan and just got her out of there.”

“That’s terrible.” 

Rachel looked at her neglected salad and sighed. “Well, I can’t say that Megan didn’t bring some of this on herself, but I do feel sorry for her, too. Araceli acted like she was proud of what she had done, that having Megan see it was what she had intended all along. Megan started crying on the way back to my room. She said that it was all her fault, that Araceli knew what was coming and just made the first move. I guess Araceli wasn’t as oblivious as I thought. For all I know, she probably thought that Megan and I were sleeping together. Still, I hate to be cynical, but maybe it actually did her some good. Maybe she’ll think next time before she spoils a good thing.”

It made sense, now, the way Megan had been acting. In my mind, I’d never quite made myself believe that she was the kind of person that Rachel had warned me she was. Not that it should matter to me. Her love life was her own business.

“Hey, enough about Megan already,” Rachel said. “I want to hear about Shelly. How are you feeling?”

“A little more scared, a bit less sure of myself,” I mused. “I’m angry, too. I feel violated, regardless of whether or not it happened. I was aware of what was happening, but I couldn’t fight back. I couldn’t even call for help. He was totally in control of me.” I shuddered at the image that came to mind, of nervous Shawn sweating and pumping himself over and into me. “But you know, I think that guy was almost as scared of what he was doing as I was.”

Rachel snickered. “I heard that Jason broke his nose and nearly drowned him in the toilet. We were going to call the police, but when Megan heard about that, she decided we’d better hold off until we asked you about it. That punk could get Jason for assault, but he’s not likely to talk about that with an attempted rape charge hanging over his head.”

Thinking about it, there was one important consideration I couldn’t ignore: my mother. If I decided to press charges, my mother would hear about it for sure. If she found out how I had been drugged, she would realize the rest: that I was at a party and had been drinking. No, as much as I hated letting him go free, I had no other choice.

We didn’t go out that weekend. I asked Rachel about it, and she said that it seemed like Megan was avoiding her. On Sunday, I decided to give her a call.

“Hey, Shell-girl. What’s up?” Megan’s voice was a bit distorted. I could hear the sounds of traffic coming over the phone.

“Megan? I talked to Rachel a couple of days ago. She told me what happened. I thought you might want someone to talk to.”

There was a momentary pause. “Sorry, this isn’t a good time. Call you back later.”

The connection clicked off before I could say another word. I folded up the phone and set it on my desk. At least she had said she was going to call back. I leaned over and picked up the stapled sheaf of papers from my Writing class, trying to lose myself in homework rather than dwell on what I couldn’t do anything about.

I was halfway into the reading when two raps sounded on the door. I jumped up and pulled it open, half-expecting to see either Rachel or Megan. Standing in the hall was just about the last person I could have expected. “Araceli? What are you doing here?” I asked, before thinking about what I was saying.

“Hi, Shelly,” she said quietly, looking at my feet. I had never seen her so subdued. “I….” She sighed and looked up. Her eyes had dark circles around them. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I stepped back to give her room. She moved like a cat exploring a new setting, eyes and ears alert for danger. She stood still while I closed the door behind her. I sat on the edge of the bed, and patted the spot next to me, but she remained standing. 

“Look, I don’t even know you that well,” she began. “We never really get a chance to talk, not alone, anyway. I don’t have many friends here yet, though, so I thought….”

“I heard about what happened with you and Megan,” I said, trying to sound as gentle as possible. “She doesn’t blame you for what you did.”

“It’s not a question of blame. I was angry with her. I’ve been getting more and more angry the last few weeks. I actually thought that she and Rachel were chingando. Then today, Rachel came over and sat next to me in class. She said nothing was going on, and I think I believe her.”

“Chingando?” I asked, wanting to be sure I understood.

“Oh, sorry. It, uh, it means fucking.” She seemed uncomfortable saying the English translation.

I shook my head. “No, Rachel’s straight. She told me that Megan likes to tease her.”

“I asked Megan to stop that, you know,” she said. “I told her it made me feel sick to see her put her hands on another woman. She always just made a joke about it and never actually promised anything. After a while I got to really wondering, and the more I saw, the more certain I became. That brings me to my question. I want you to tell me the truth, Shelly. Were you and Megan having sex?”

“What?” I said, stifling the urge to laugh outright. “No, never.” Unbidden, the memory from the theater, of Megan squeezing my hand as Araceli brought her to climax came to my mind. I turned around and straightened my desk so that Araceli wouldn’t see my cheeks burning. “I like her, but I’m not a lesbian,” I said, marveling at my own choice of doubletalk. “Anyway, maybe you should talk to Megan. The two of you can work this thing out.”

“Have you ever been in love, Shelly?”

I turned to look at her. “No.”

“Rachel told me what happened to you at the party.” I felt relief that she was changing the subject, but her voice sounded distant. “I feel like I’m responsible. What I did was awful. I didn’t give a shit about that other girl. I walked up to her and asked her out earlier that day. I think the only reason she came up to my room was that she was so flattered that I would want her. When I went down on her, all I was thinking about was how much the thing I was doing was going to hurt Megan. It was a vile thing to do. Even now I can’t bear to think of it without feeling sick. I can’t be with someone who could make me do something like that.”

“I don’t think that Megan is as terrible as you say she is,” I responded, making one last, feeble effort to save my friend’s happiness.

“You say you aren’t a lesbian,” Araceli said, arching an eyebrow. She swayed slowly towards me. I backed up until my knees bumped the side of the bed and I sat down. Araceli’s slim, olive-toned body blocked my escape. She leaned over me and I inhaled perfume mixed with the fainter but more compelling scent of the woman beneath. “I don’t believe it, Shelly, but maybe you still do. I know what you’re afraid of. I know how painful it can be, but it’s something you need to get through. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t. I’ve seen how you look at her. I can’t be with Megan, but maybe you can. Just be careful if you decide to do it. Don’t throw yourself into it until you’re sure, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, not sure what I was agreeing to.

She took a step back, giving me more room to breathe. “God, what a mess. Next time you see them, tell Rachel thank you for me and tell Megan I’m sorry. But just leave it at that, okay?”

“I will,” I promised.

Araceli leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “Good luck,” she said. She stood up straight, turned and opened the door. She paused for a moment in the entryway to give me a wan smile before she walked away. It was the last time I would ever see her.