Nothing Lost

I held her. My ear was hovering over the phone attached to her ear; my arm was comfortably around her waist.

I felt her body relax against me suddenly, and I tensed in an automatic response – an awkward seated dance.

“Negative?”

“Yeah.” Sam breathed deeply. “Safe to sleep with me now. Right, man?”

I think she was kidding, so I played the part. “Oh yeah, baby. Let’s go four people this time! Or maybe 7, my lucky number!”

Sam smiled and tackled me on the bed, letting her long dark hair tickle my face and make me squirm. “How about just you and me?”

I chuckled nervously. “Just cuz you need to get laid doesn’t mean you have to partake of the straight crowd now.”

Crawling off me with a sideways look, she asserted, “I’m done with promiscuity and gratuitous sex.”

*******

Banter, banter, banter. Hiding, secrets, and semantics. I was quite bored with this myself. I somewhat preferred living in denial on the outskirts, watching the drama from my nice big comfy couch, connecting nothing with myself.

OK, at least I attempted not to. I’m about to swallow my own comment on the banality of dramatic lesbian relationships. 

And yet some of my own drama is quite banal. Thus my superego responds with a defiant shout, “SWALLOW THIS!”

She must have known. I could have stalked her – as if she didn’t know my car, the telltale blue Firebird. I could have kept yapping carefully but seemingly thoughtlessly, slipping and stumbling into an “accidental” confession. I could have walked right to her door with flowers, apologetic but sincere, offering my utmost in affections. All of these, all cliché.

Trite, cliché, mundane, banal. You may have noticed by now my cynic affinity for these words. What accurate descriptions for the human condition.

*******

Her couch was so comfortable. I don’t know at what point in the movie she inched over to where I was lying, but by the time the credits rolled, I could feel her breath. I had to put my arm on her out of pure respect so I would not be the unresponsive dead weight Jackie had been during their first movie together. Maybe Sam felt friendlier with me. 

“You know what I wish?” I spoke from beneath her blanket of hair. The scent was so sweet, I did not bother to disturb her head upon my shoulder. 

“Hmmm?”

“I wish there was no gay. No straight. No crazy subculture of strange people, no wondering if the person you love is possibly fair game.” Before Sam could draw quick conclusions about me, I quickly added, “I mean, what if you and your friends and everyone was bi, and even if you just love one person, that person could always have the potential of loving you back. Male OR female.”

“Uh huh. And while we’re at it, we can make everyone have blond hair, be tall and thin, dress the same, and have the same features and personality so everyone has an equal chance with everyone else. We can eliminate the quest for compatibility and the interesting aspects of variation completely. Not just one lid for every pot, but almost six billion lids for every pot! Heck, what’s a little worldwide orgy?” Sam was sarcastic yet grinning.

“So it can still be hard to find someone you will love that much. No recourse.”

Sam had a yearning look in her eyes. “It’s worth it when you find her.”

The words settled as her hand settled on my chest. Though her hand was deceptively still, her fingers seemed to stretch just slightly farther. I glanced down at waves of cotton fabric gathered on my stomach, and realized her hand was crawling up my shirt. 

“Let me touch your body,” Sam whispered.

-Oh Sam. What does this mean? What do you know? What do you really feel?-

Her fingers lightly circling my chest, stopping and gently attending to my hardening nipples.

-What are you doing? Don’t lead me on. You won’t like what’s here. I know you won’t.-

“You have such a beautiful body.”

-No, Sam. You can’t… I don’t… I’m not… How can you think that?-

She kept lightly petting me, soft fingertips on sensitive skin, desire slowly building.

“Stop, Sam. You’re gonna make me want it…”

Her hand stopped quickly, her eyes closed, a breeze from heaven escaped from her lips. Her body relaxed; her whole self and spirit suddenly melted into me upon my words.

But out of respect, Sam stopped. I let the storm between my legs settle with some ambiguity. But we lay together for a while. I stroked her hair, feeling the twitch of muscles dropping into slumber against me. We lay there for about an hour.

*******

Would it be understatement to say that Sam had definitely figured it out? The ironic element was this quirky approach with which all involved had to take – only because of all we had been through. Had we have been Romeo and Juliet, or random Dykeo meeting random Lesbiet and finding ourselves in each others arms for the first time, perhaps this matter may have been more obvious.

Sam had told me much about her own exploits – her thoughts, her feelings, her actions. Yet here we were together, blind bunnies in a basket, not knowing what lay beyond the fluff. Tentative, wary – the both of us. Round 3 for both of us. Round 3 – the very last round.

I suppose I should thank the angels she loved no one else after Jackie.

*******

“You goddamn carpet-munching bitch! Where is my daughter?” The cell phone Sam had given me a short while ago- with the same shared plan – seemed ready to shatter from the shrieking.

“Excuse me, but I have no idea myself, nor do you have to scream insults at me.” Level voice, firm and polite.

“Don’t come near that fucking girl, you hear me bitch? Stay the fuck away from my kid. You won’t keep causing trouble in THIS house!” Sam’s mother hung up. 

Where was Sam?

-What did Sasha do when she sensed something was wrong? She jumped in her car and went after me – on pure instinct alone.- 

The Firebird… companion through so much of this year… I leapt in. I had no idea what she was doing, where she was… I think I alone lack primeval instincts in some areas. 

She wasn’t with me; she wasn’t at home. It was too dark to have much fun outside, and getting chilly at this point. Winter was coming back.